


My Immortal (A Parody)

by Muggleborn_Weasley



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 06:09:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10551390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Muggleborn_Weasley/pseuds/Muggleborn_Weasley
Summary: Hi my name is Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore and I have long grey white hair and a long grey beard and icy blue eyes like limpid tears. / This is a joke that got completely out of hand. Will be updated erratically, a few chapters at a time, until I get bored or run out of original chapters to mock.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [My Immortal](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/199957) by Tara Gilesbie. 



**Chapter 1**

Hi my name is Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore and I have long grey white hair and a long grey beard and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Brian May (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to David Bowie but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a wizard, and I run a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m the headmaster (I’m one-hundred-and-fifteen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black wife-beater tank top, black cargo pants with chains all over and black combat boots that had little chains kind of like the pants but different. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eyeshadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of my students who weren’t Harry Potter stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. 

“Hey Albus!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Argus Filch!

“What’s up Argus?” I asked. 

“Nothing.” he said shyly. 

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

**Chapter 2**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was ebony black inside and it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant Sex Pistols t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on black leather robes, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. 

My friend, Minnie (AN: McGonagall dis u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length browny-grey hair with white streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Led Zeppelin t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on out make up (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner). 

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Argus Filch yesterday!” she said excitedly. 

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing. 

“Do you like Argus?” she asked as we went out of the teachers common room and into the Great Hall. “No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted. 

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Argus walked up to me. 

“Hi.” he said. “Hi.” I replied flirtily. “Guess what.” he said. 

“What?” I asked. 

“Well, AC/DC are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me. 

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love AC/DC. They are my favourite band, besides Queen. 

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked. 

I gasped.  

**Chapter 3**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. I put on my formal black cargo pants with all this chain and zip stuff on the back and front. I wore a Naruto vest even though I’ve never seen or read Naruto but I want people to think I’m edgy and cultured and cool. I put matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some AC/DC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. 

I went outside. Argus was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a T. Rex t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

“Hi Argus!” I said in a depressed voice. 

“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to AC/DC and Led Zeppelin. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to AC/DC. 

“Brian is so fucking hot.” I said to Argus, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. 

Suddenly Argus looked sad. “What’s wrong?” I asked as we mossed to the music. Then I caught on. “Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said. 

“Really?” asked Argus sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. “Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Brian and he’s going out with his stupid fucking wife fucking Brenda. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly face that I didn’t even know what it looked like cause she isn’t even famous apart from being married to the sexiest man on earth.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Argus. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Brian and Angus for their autographs and photos with them. We got AC/DC concert tees. Argus and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Argus didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… the Forbidden Forest!

**Chapter 4**

“ARGUS!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?” 

Argus didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. 

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily. “Albus?” he asked. 

“What?” I snapped. 

Argus leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing collar contacts so he looked more like his Satan-Cat because he is a furry) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore. 

And then………………………… suddenly just as I Argus kissed me passionately. Argus climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra (yes I wear women’s underwear. big fucking deal. so does ur mom). The he put this thingie into my you-know-what (my poo chute, just in case you-didn’t-know-what) and we did it for the first time. 

“Oh! Oh! Oh!” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. An then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!”

It was …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… Harry Potter!

**Chapter 5**

Harry Potter made Argus and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily. 

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted. 

I started to tears of blood down my pallid face. Argus comforted me. When we went back to the castle Harry Potter took us to Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger who were both looking very angry. 

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice. “Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Hermione Granger. “You should be focused on our education and whatever useless thing it is you do here Mr Filch. Nothing else.” 

“How dare you?” demanded Ron Weasley. 

And then Argus shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!” 

Everyone was quiet. Harry Potter and Hermione Granger still looked mad but Ron Weasley said “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.” 

Argus and I went upstairs while the students glared at us. 

“Are you okay, Albus?” Argus asked me gently. 

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the teacher’s dorm and brushed my teeth and hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length nightgown with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out…

Argus was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started singing a slow, uber-romantic version of ‘Highway to Hell’ by AC/DC. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back to his room. 


End file.
